Blogging in Real Time: Founding Fathers and The Modern Beach... Part 1

Good Evening, Fellow Citizens and Patriots!

Welcome to the one and only journal on the Internet that tells of the monumental events in our nation's history... in real time. Yes, you heard me right. This is the one and only Edmund Randolph, reporting live from the Constitutional Convention, the Senate floor and Washington's cabinet meetings. Read the juiciest of juicy political gossip, from the Assumption Plan to Hamilton's extramarital affair! Scandalous! As if it couldn't get even better, it's all firsthand, from history's most talkative witness. Please enjoy!

All Men Are Created Equal...

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Founding Fathers and The Modern Beach... Part 1

Yesterday, I was speaking to a fellow friend of mine, a bit of a dunce but well-humored, and he tells me about this controversial place called the beach. Or, more specifically, the present-day beach, haven of scantily-clad fools, bakery of ignorant idiots, and merciless torture chamber run by crabs hanging on to your foot.
Sounds delightful!

Then, my so-called friend posed the question: if one of us Founding Fathers were to stroll onto a beach, what would be the outcome?
Now, one can easily imagine the appalled look on our faces as we look upon yards and yards of flesh being slowly tanned like a tart in a toaster, their cells deteriorating as the powerful UVA rays blaze down upon them. Not, of course, because of that, but merely because such public displays are very... well... public. So I decided that I ought to create a list of Things Founding Fathers Would Do On A Modern-Day Beach. I also went around asking some colleagues...

Thanks to the power of Google (Hallelujah! Hallelujah!), I was able to print some very 'interesting' pictures and went asking those who I thought might have a heated word or two to say. The first was my dear cousin, Thomas Jefferson. I could count on him to keep an ambiguous stand when it came to controversial issues. I found him in a cramped corner of Macbeth's Tavern on First and Archer Streets, lost deep in thought as cigar smoke swirled around in billowing clouds. As soon as I entered, I coughed up a good deal of bacteria and managed to proceed past tables of rowdy gentlemen who did not as the commercial warned, 'sip responsibly,' squeezing through crowds of ladies clustered together gossiping over who Fione was planning to marry next (for the eighth time), and finally reached him.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Jefferson." We usually don't show the fact that we're related. He's one person, and I'm another, and he maybe richer than you, so treat him that way.
It took him a good whole twenty seconds to emerge from his own cloud of ideas. I had been used to that long before, and so patiently waited, smelling the fresh printer ink on the page (HP LaserJet P1006! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!). In addition to my handy tools, I used Picnik (all bow down to the awesome power of Picnik!) to point out a outrageous woman with an arrow of a putrid lime color and an unmistakable exclamation point. Here it is.

"Is that you, Mr. Randolph?," he asked as he blew away the smoke with his hand.
"Yes! I had a... peculiar question for you, cousin. Have you ever seen a 21st-century beach?"
"Why, that is the most ridiculous question I have ever heard! We're stuck only in the 18th! Say, where did you manage to acquire such a colorful picture? Edmund, I'm getting worried! Tell me!"
"I have connections."
"Ugh... But really, what's all the fuss about this beach?"
"Well, you see, I was having a dinner table discussion with a good friend, who as dim-witted as he is, is quite knowledgeable about many going-ons and he posed the question 'what if we, the great men who founded this nation, stepped onto something like this,'" and with that, I flashed the picture before his face. It wasn't exactly brilliant timing, for he just happened to be drinking his glass of Madeira at the moment. Several reactions appeared to come up on his face.
1. He paled.
2. He experienced difficulty swallowing the liquid.
3. Which furthermore lead to a coughing fit.
4. Which ended up in him choking and eventually recovering after several Heimlich maneuvers by me.
5. But somehow, his feelings appeared to be mixed (as on any subject).
"What in God's name is that?"
"It's a lady who finds it aesthetically appealing to slap on two skimpy pieces of cloth and call it a civilized outfit."
"Do you know what this means, Edmund?"
"What?"
"Over the course of two-hundred years, the world will evolve into a corrupt, gangrene-filled black hole where the uncivilized, the uneducated, the unruly, and the immoral will roam the streets! Women will slowly diminish in the quantity of daily clothing worn to a bare thread- well, that's a hyperbolic statement, actually- and children will seize up the cigarette at age two, and men will drink themselves silly! Oh, Edmund! The premonitions will haunt me! I must expand on them!" With that, he snatched out a notebook and began writing.
"It appears that the beaches of the future are an excellent example of..."

Return soon for Part 2 to see what Thomas has to say.