Good Evening, Fellow Citizens and Patriots!

Welcome to the one and only journal on the Internet that tells of the monumental events in our nation's history... in real time. Yes, you heard me right. This is the one and only Edmund Randolph, reporting live from the Constitutional Convention, the Senate floor and Washington's cabinet meetings. Read the juiciest of juicy political gossip, from the Assumption Plan to Hamilton's extramarital affair! Scandalous! As if it couldn't get even better, it's all firsthand, from history's most talkative witness. Please enjoy!
"And then Franklin smote the ground and up rose George Washington, fully dressed and astride a horse! Then the three of them, Franklin, Washington and the HORSE, proceeded to win the entire revolution single handley!"
- John Adams

Monday, September 13, 2010

Dinner at Mr. Jefferson's: Part 1

Among the most insolent actions one can commit, eavesdropping is the most informative. Especially when you're eavesdropping on three of America's greatest minds at dinner.

Let me explain.

Our nation, fresh from the battlefields, was composed of the thinnest fabric, and any slip or collision would tear it to shreds. The dream was, for every citizen, that the officials high in office would peacefully blend together, their conversations filled with compromise and congeniality. When my cousin, Mr. Jefferson, met Secretary Alexander Hamilton, the awakening was rude. Jefferson had been the latecomer, as we all had already assumed our positions within the new government, and were busy tending to our stations. In the early fall, we were still stumbling about, attempting to gain a sense of whom we really are in these new offices, and what their meaning is in this complex form of government. By the time Thomas accepted the position of Secretary of State, General Washington had already been without one for almost a year (of course, Secretary Hamilton was on top of and handling foreign affairs in general, but that's a different story altogether.) The dilemma of who was to be the Secretary of State had plagued him, as he was in hung in the balance between the expertise of Mr. John Jay, an experienced diplomat and statesman, and Mr. Jefferson, who possessed all the same qualities. The issue was solved when Mr. Jay kindly asked to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. It took Thomas almost five months to accept, and almost another month to arrive in the temporary capital in New York City.
He did not miss the opportunity to make himself at home as much as possible for as long as New York City was the capital. After deciding on a modest home at 75 Maiden Lane, after desperately scavenging for one on the intersecting street of "the Broad Way," [original spelling retained], he began extensive renovation.
Here is where the present day location is. One can find now there a restaurant and a salon, as well as an abstract piece of art in the center of the road which still continues to play with my mind.
In relation to important places, he keeps near the presidential mansion on the Broad Way, but really missed with having easy accessibility to Fraunces Tavern, the politically "hip place" in town.


View Larger Map

(See more maps here)

He immediately cast his "spell" over the place, spending more money on one feature alone than was the annual rent (cabinetwork- because intricately carved cabinets are a real necessity in the world of politics). His grand additions were no help to his collection of debt, something that wasn't his top priority.

But enough about my cousin and his lavish spending. There was another typical, large-mansion dinner, and I intended to make Mr. Jefferson familiar with his colleagues. I don't know where I went wrong, but that ball was the beginning of one the greatest feuds in the history of democratic republics (however scarce that might be). After several pleasant introductions with Mr. Maclay and Mr. Knox, I found Secretary Hamilton at the cocktail bar devouring shrimp in the most civilized way possible. They must have been some pretty good shrimp, for I timed it, and he consumed at least five shrimp a minute. We politely waited nearby as he finished his conversation with Mr. Duer, but when it seemed they were about to plunge into the financial standing of Rhode Island’s central bank, I immediately stepped in.
“Ah, excuse us, gentlemen.”
“Good evening, Mr. Randolph, Mr. Jefferson.”
They both deeply bowed.
“Mr. Randolph, I don’t believe you have yet introduced me to this fine gentleman here.”
Colonel Hamilton looked keenly at Mr. Jefferson with scrutiny. I had given him a basic report on Hamilton’s status, history, and achievements.
“Why, yes, this is the esteemed Thomas Jefferson, the present Secretary of State and author of the Declaration of Independence.”
I had a tendency to lay it on.
“It is an honor, Mr. Jefferson, to be in your esteemed presence.”
He bowed again, and seemed to look through to his soul.
“As it is in yours, Mr. Secretary.”
He bowed as well, and had a bit of difficulty looking at him. While Hamilton was at least several inches beneath Thomas, he was as intimidating as hawk to a mouse. Sometimes, the ceremony of conversation, with all the bows and what nots, irked me extremely.
“May I ask how you are enjoying your stay in the city?”
“It is comparable to honorable exile from one’s family and affairs, but the thought of serving one’s nation can never be diminished by personal feelings.”
Hamilton pondered the thought, seeking the deeper meaning, and finally replied,
“Much agreed. I would suppose that the hustle and bustle, coupled with our roaming pigs, is a bit of rude awakening from your pastoral retreat at Monticello.”
The night continued forth as so, and one would have never guessed they were to become bitter enemies. But I foresaw the result. They were complete opposites, one dynamic to the point of nausea, and the other, “A Man of the People,” would who inevitably come to resent the other’s federal views.


I suppose I ought to furthermore explain this deep feuding that held the president in knots over the uncertainty of the result. Despite the pleasant evening they spent together, Jefferson, along with his diminutive friend James Madison, came to a joint certainty that Hamilton was a monarchist at heart, and the only obstacle Hamilton encountered on his path to making America a lean, green, angry machine (a new phrase I heard on the Senate floor regarding infectious plant life) was the scheming duo. This, of course, posed great danger to America’s finances: did the financial system without Hamilton mean collapse? Of course, I was assigned the very unceremonious task of being the mediator between the two, ending up nothing more than a distant call for resolution. They denounced one another in newspapers with so much venom I felt as if they were taking out their deepest, personal guilt, secrets, dislikes, and animosity, coupled with any symptoms of depression or suicidal thoughts they may have experienced in their lifetime. Which truly posed an ironic situation in my head. A least a week ago, before he began his scathing attacks, he sent me a letter:
I have preserved through life a resolution never to write in a public paper without subscribing my name, and to engage openly an adversary who does not let himself be seen, is staking all against nothing. The indecency too of newspaper squabbling between two public ministers, besides my own sense of it, has drawn something like an injunction from another quarter.
As if I didn’t know Philip Freneau existed.
Despite the president’s futile attempts and desperate pleading, coupled with my ant-like position in their arguments, the verbal assaults, newspaper venom, mud-pie slinging, and general animosity continued until what I predicted would be the resignation of either, or both, but even then, Jefferson would attempt to use his conservative tactics to frame Hamilton as a monarchist and scheming, belligerent, fraudulent politician and official. I was surprised they had not yet challenged one another to a duel.

At that point in time, two issues gripped the hearts and minds of our politicians: Secretary Hamilton’s Assumption Plan, which was to assume all the state debts, which coupled with national debt for a grand total off $79 million dollars, to then hand out bonds, furthermore giving investors the power to gain interest while at the same time aiding the government financially, and where the capital ought to be. The second issue was especially touchy, as the Massachusetts senators and representatives want it in Boston, the New Yorkers don’t want us to leave, the Pennsylvanians are attempting to revive Philadelphia, and so forth. The gentlemen of the South are especially indignant that the capital should be in the South in relation with the fact that the capital had always been in the North. I personally believed it should be smack dab in the middle. It is speculated that a location on the Potomac, near Georgetown, is favored by some and the President. Some allege that Washington favors it so that he and his properties nearby may personally benefit from it. Thomas, and Hamilton, have been trying to combine the two problems, which have opened an abyss on the House floor, and compromise them, which never really seemed to work. Thus, the debatings continued, escalating with excitement and depressing with frustration and the realization that the light at the end of the tunnel was a microscopic speck. Then, IT occurred. IT is the codename for the first of two of the most defining meetings in American history (this is my opinion because I am living only in the beginning). It is also the beginning of my eavesdropping spree.
IT occurred as so:
I happened to be passing the President’s house one day on the other side of the street, when I noticed Hamilton and Jefferson speaking. I knew the occasion was one of great importance as it appeared that they were not arguing, but rather the latter listening to the other. I quickly proceeded to the end of the street, made it to the other side, and hide behind the heavily pollinated bushes next to the President’s house. It was probably one of the more physically challenging experiences I’ve had, and, oh, how I wished to be that bee hovering so intently above my ear. Hamilton looked like he had come into the abyss of failed assumption plans and out. He had dark rims on his eyes, making him a bit comical. His hair had taken a life of its own, either that, or he fired his hairdresser. He even appeared older. His face was pale and drawn, a frown characterizing it all. It spoke of gloominess, depression, doom, isolation, and lack of hope. His eyes were as empty and hollow as a barrel, their usual sparkle and excitement lost. He frantically, yet calmly, spoke with Mr. Jefferson, who actually appeared to be taking some interest in what he was saying for once. He seemed to understand the serious nature of the conversation.
The bee was really bothering me.
“Ah.. ah.. ah-CHOO!”
They looked around for a moment, and resumed their conversation.
“As I am sure you understand, this stuff of this plan is essential to sustaining the Union. The gentlemen of New England are an especial worry in this sense. They are so determined to have the bill passed, considering the numerous funds they spent, that they have gone so far as to consider it a essential condition for the preservation. It is the apex of my career as I see it, and its very essence. Its failure will force my resignation. It is especially significant to its passage that the gentlemen of the South should be persuaded… perhaps by your sound opinions and thoughts?”
“I understand the urgency, Mr. Secretary, but time away from this land has impaired me to be in touch with its occurrences.”
They continued their conversation, and soon after parted. I so much excited that I stumbled out of the bushes, and scared the living daylights out of Mr. Jefferson. I timed him, and I believe his airtime was ten seconds.
“Mr. Randolph! How you… uh… oh, where did you come from?”
“That shouldn’t concern you. Tell me, what are you going to do about it? It seems he relies on you.”
He gave me a look of sheer death, and roughly drew me aside into an alleyway.
“What you heard is between you, me, and Colonel Hamilton.”
“Don’t forget the bee.”
He stared at me for a brief second, and continued.
“The state of our Union, and its future hangs in the balance.”
“So, what are you going to do about it?”
“I am persuaded that men of sound heads and honest views needed nothing more than mutual understanding to enable them to unite in some measures which might enable us to get along. In other words, on the consideration of the situation of things, I thought the first steps towards some conciliation of views would be to bring Mr. Madison and Colonel Hamilton to a friendly discussion of the subject. I shall immediately write to each to come and dine with me the tomorrow. We should probably be alone.”
“Agreed.”
“But it is solely between you, me, and Colonel Hamilton.”
I gave him a look.
“Yes, and the bee. But do you understand?”
“Uh-huh.”

Monday, August 9, 2010

Shady Business

Despite what the history books say, I'm a man of integrity who would not ask for money from the French government in order to bribe President Washington.
But that is an entirely different story which I will explain later.

So in coalition which my affiliate colleagues, Mr. Jefferson and the others, we have bonded our businesses under one massive, exuberant, multitasking, overwhelmingly awesome corporation:
Real Time Corporations, Inc.TM (My computer had a recent breakdown, and the keyboard won't compy when I press Alt. + 2!). Of course, they have a website, which is presently under construction, but is providing regular updates. Be sure to visit them at:
realtimecorporations.webs.com.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Phew! That was a lot of 'iPhones'! But really! I got an iPhone! So I was at Mr. Apple's store the other day, and a kind fellow named Mr. Jobs told me about his scandalous new creation (oh, who bothers anymore about the bad reception?!)! There are only two slight problems with it:
1. It's impossible to find any contacts!
2. I have no phone reception or Internet connection in any of the states!
I wonder why...


I miss my Lieutenant Colonel Pac-Man app...

iPhone 4!

iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! iPhone! 4!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Page Alert!

Check out our new pages, Sponge Cake and Marmalade and The Kaleidoscope! Enjoy recipes, videos, and so much more!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

The 4th of July= A Mischievous Attorney General

Happy 4th of July, fellow citizens and patriots! Today is a day of momentous joy, for we celebrate the grand freedoms that we have gained as a result of sacrificing our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor. We remember the fallen, those who valued the natural rights which we are endowed over life. We set our flags out to wave, displaying our national pride, proving that amor patriae ducit, love of country leads, in this land. Of course, I celebrate all that jazz, but I like to show off my mischievous side too, with some fireworks...
Let's break out that Coke and Mentos.
It's going to get rough.


So you can probably imagine what I'm about to do now, but I'm planning something a little more elaborate. As today is a day of fireworks, so I thought a nice show of Coke and Mentos might be something new and exciting. But of course, we don't call it Coke and Mentos back in the 18th-century; we call it the 'fizzy beverage which makes you feel like you have acid running through your nose' (or fizzy beverage for short) and 'candy tablets'. I truly wasn't sure how to perform the whole experiment, so I turned to the omniscient Google for help. I received about 209,000 results in my search, and began reading. The scavenger hunt that ensued was intense. We were expecting guests that afternoon (makes me look a bit like a dunce, doesn't it?) and Elizabeth, my dear wife, did not appreciate anyone's presence other than hers and the servants' in the kitchen as she prepared a meal for about twenty persons. From what I could smell, it appeared that we were having the traditional roast beef in 'mystery meat sauce', as I like to call it, with a side of fattening, buttery, mashed potatoes topped with spinach, mixed with spices such as white peppercorn and mustard flour. That's just the appetizer.

I slightly dreaded even approaching the kitchen, for the wrath of Elizabeth Randolph was like facing down British artillery with nothing but a twig. As I made my way stealthily across the expanse of green to the little house of sturdy brick, I attempted to devise a plan, calling upon my youthful days in the service of the cause, knowing that my only chance was to be as alopecoid as possible. I considered my chances. The servant girls kept their mouths running like a windmill in a storm, and they knew that when it came to culinary matters, I had as much authority as a fly on a wall. Then I would come face to face with Elizabeth, and that was the end of that. Maybe if I were to slide down the chimney... no... too large... how about sliding along the wall like a spy... no... curse you, Burger King... I was left with having to fend them off myself. As I neared, I could hear the screams, the frustration, the impatience, and the anxiety. Through a murky window, I could make out the ladies rushing about with copper and iron pots, cauldrons, and even a small brazier for last minute cooking. I could make out faces filled with the pressure of one too many guests expected, hair in total disarray, and hands blistered from the beginning of work in the wee hours of the morning, with no end in site. Their starch white aprons, so carefully ironed every night after the guests had departed, were now a colorful assortment of ingredients, ranging from the most decadent of white wine sauces dropped in a rush; the leftovers of some peeled chicken; the crumbs of the locally renowned Randolph sponge cake; the uniquely fizzy strawberry jam from the local apothecary (it's a queer one) on Chester Street; the aforementioned spinach without all the jazz put in yet; and other unidentifiable ingredients. Smoke ardently waited to escape as I quietly opened the weather-beaten oak door, the sound of the hinges quite similar to a chicken suffering through a slow, painful death. Much to my surprise, no one seemed to take notice of me, or if they did, they must have sensed that I was a man on a mission. The scene that surrounded me will never cease to exist in my mind: the servants, in their disorganized and discombobulated state of attire and appearance, moved like the currents in one of Dr. Franklin's electrical presentations. The smell of spices from the West Indies, the Canaries, and the Orient filled the air like lavender in the spring garden. Broths bubbled like Mr. Patrick Henry on the House floor in their gargantuan cauldrons of a rough iron. Huge slabs of bovine slowly cooked and browned on their spits, manned by a heavily sweating servant occasionally applying a tangy marinade, that I came to eventually love after so many years of marriage. A triumvirate of exhausted ladies continued to pound with special tools a prodigiously, aesthetically appealing slew of mashed potatoes. Smoke continually swirled about the room, creating a fog with visibility of about a foot. At the head of the whole production was my dear wife, Elizabeth. She donned her famous cooking dress, composed of red, inexpensive fabric with no design that was always present in the kitchen. She moved from one spot to the next, correcting a dose of butter, advising the best way to stir in solid objects such as corn, chiding the hasty and the lazy, and all the while, managing to keep her hair completely intact. I dodged out of her path, tiptoeing along the shadows cast by the wall on the far-end. I had spotted a bottle of the fizzy beverage neatly placed alongside several age-old wines and champagnes, its green glass like those of a snake’s eyes in the dark. The label boasted “The World’s Finest Fizzy Drink, A Joy At All Festivities.” I grabbed it, and in my haste, nearly gave it to the floor. I was just out the door when I heard someone clear their throat.
Oops.
“Looks like someone has been to the kitchen, eh?” Elizabeth was giving me the raised brow, tapping her flour-covered foot impatiently on the rough wooden floor.
“Why, yes, I have been! Off for a fizzy drink…” My words trailed as both brows raised, and she said,
“After twelve years of marriage, have you not learned a thing?”
“Maybe one or two,” and with that I took off, bottle in hand, plan in mind.


Afterward, I wrecked my desk attempting to find my saved-up roll of candy tablets, a delicacy for the whole family that comes about once a week. I found them lying in the back of the middle drawer, hidden by mounds of blank subpoenas and constable reports. They were in good condition, of the assorted flavor (my favorite are the yellow ones). I grabbed a scrap of paper and proceeded to the parlor. In the little table is a secret compartment where I keep my most beloved playing cards. I decided against them and used the old, musty ones that everyone tries to avoid because of the smell. I hadn’t really thought of any safety precautions at the time, but really, who ever said tat being drowned in a fizzy beverage was a bad thing. I snuck over to the serpentine path that cuts through the gardens, surrounded by massive brick walls on either side. I carefully laid the open bottle on the flat surface; formed the paper with space enough for the candies to fit in; held the card and tube over the space at the top of the bottle… and blastoff. Fizzy beverage was EVERYWHERE, coating the walls, the ground, and the bushes. The fountain did not end for a good, whole two minutes. I myself was like a happy banshee, gulping it down, whooping with joy on this grand 4th of July.

Do you find me ridiculous yet?

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Founding Fathers and The Modern Beach... Part 1



Yesterday, I was speaking to a fellow friend of mine, a bit of a dunce but well-humored, and he tells me about this controversial place called the beach. Or, more specifically, the present-day beach, haven of scantily-clad fools, bakery of ignorant idiots, and merciless torture chamber run by crabs hanging on to your foot.
Sounds delightful!

Then, my so-called friend posed the question: if one of us Founding Fathers were to stroll onto a beach, what would be the outcome?
Now, one can easily imagine the appalled look on our faces as we look upon yards and yards of flesh being slowly tanned like a tart in a toaster, their cells deteriorating as the powerful UVA rays blaze down upon them. Not, of course, because of that, but merely because such public displays are very... well... public. So I decided that I ought to create a list of Things Founding Fathers Would Do On A Modern-Day Beach. I also went around asking some colleagues...

Thanks to the power of Google (Hallelujah! Hallelujah!), I was able to print some very 'interesting' pictures and went asking those who I thought might have a heated word or two to say. The first was my dear cousin, Thomas Jefferson. I could count on him to keep an ambiguous stand when it came to controversial issues. I found him in a cramped corner of Macbeth's Tavern on First and Archer Streets, lost deep in thought as cigar smoke swirled around in billowing clouds. As soon as I entered, I coughed up a good deal of bacteria and managed to proceed past tables of rowdy gentlemen who did not as the commercial warned, 'sip responsibly,' squeezing through crowds of ladies clustered together gossiping over who Fione was planning to marry next (for the eighth time), and finally reached him.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Jefferson." We usually don't show the fact that we're related. He's one person, and I'm another, and he maybe richer than you, so treat him that way.
It took him a good whole twenty seconds to emerge from his own cloud of ideas. I had been used to that long before, and so patiently waited, smelling the fresh printer ink on the page (HP LaserJet P1006! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!). In addition to my handy tools, I used Picnik (all bow down to the awesome power of Picnik!) to point out a outrageous woman with an arrow of a putrid lime color and an unmistakable exclamation point. Here it is.

"Is that you, Mr. Randolph?," he asked as he blew away the smoke with his hand.
"Yes! I had a... peculiar question for you, cousin. Have you ever seen a 21st-century beach?"
"Why, that is the most ridiculous question I have ever heard! We're stuck only in the 18th! Say, where did you manage to acquire such a colorful picture? Edmund, I'm getting worried! Tell me!"
"I have connections."
"Ugh... But really, what's all the fuss about this beach?"
"Well, you see, I was having a dinner table discussion with a good friend, who as dim-witted as he is, is quite knowledgeable about many going-ons and he posed the question 'what if we, the great men who founded this nation, stepped onto something like this,'" and with that, I flashed the picture before his face. It wasn't exactly brilliant timing, for he just happened to be drinking his glass of Madeira at the moment. Several reactions appeared to come up on his face.
1. He paled.
2. He experienced difficulty swallowing the liquid.
3. Which furthermore lead to a coughing fit.
4. Which ended up in him choking and eventually recovering after several Heimlich maneuvers by me.
5. But somehow, his feelings appeared to be mixed (as on any subject).
"What in God's name is that?"
"It's a lady who finds it aesthetically appealing to slap on two skimpy pieces of cloth and call it a civilized outfit."
"Do you know what this means, Edmund?"
"What?"
"Over the course of two-hundred years, the world will evolve into a corrupt, gangrene-filled black hole where the uncivilized, the uneducated, the unruly, and the immoral will roam the streets! Women will slowly diminish in the quantity of daily clothing worn to a bare thread- well, that's a hyperbolic statement, actually- and children will seize up the cigarette at age two, and men will drink themselves silly! Oh, Edmund! The premonitions will haunt me! I must expand on them!" With that, he snatched out a notebook and began writing.
"It appears that the beaches of the future are an excellent example of..."

Return soon for Part 2 to see what Thomas has to say.